Overload.

More days are good than bad and I hate that I'm writing when it'd been a bad day. Your blog deserves happy thoughts. But, yesterday was one of the bad. We all woke up off, Talon was cranky, you were fussy, Talon refused to nap, by 4pm I was screaming into the middle of the living room thus scaring the shit out of Talon. I suck. After drying tears and patching the trauma Talon just witnessed, I texted your dad to come home after work as soon as he could then we all went for a walk.

It's interesting because this came during a week where I've been feeling seriously overloaded. I'm going to verbal vomit on here because there's no where else to dump it. Too many people, too much information bombarded about people whose drama I'm not even a part of, and the overall feeling of anger when you keep hearing how people call each other friends then talk so much shit behind each other's backs. Again, I'm not even involved in these groups. Why should I care? I'm mad these women are so horribly unsupportive and cruel to each other behind their backs yet shiny happy people to each other's face. Oh, the Facebook quotes they post! HA! I call bullshit. 

I don't compete with my friends. In fact, I wouldn't be friends with people with whom I compete. If training for a sport takes over so much of your life and you can't speak nicely about your competitor even though you call her a friend, then WHY THE FUCK do you hang out with her? She's your competition! Nod your head in the weight room, acknowledge, and move on. The shit I've heard...it's unbelievable. I guess some people have not progressed past junior high school way of communicating. There's a mentality of only the people who also compete know what you're going through. I get that. In that case, just be nice to each other. Stop being passive-aggressive. Stop calling each other names. After she leaves the conversation when you've just told her how awesome she is, stop saying, "Oh she'll never be ready for the show, she's too big/soft/skinny/blhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaalhhhhhhhhhhhh." I literally just met someone a couple weeks ago who said she stays out of drama at the gym. I knew of her for a long time and knew it was complete crap coming out of her mouth. Strike 1 against me. It began to build...

You can be damn sure I'm going to confront someone if I've heard they have said something about me. Confrontation is intimidating but when it comes to sticking up for yourself, defending a friend, you bet your ass it's worth it. What's the worst that can happen? Afraid of losing a friend who never acted like a friend in the first place?

Tuesday I went to the gym just we always do. There was a playlist on my iPod called "FUCK" created specifically for these types of days. Pretty much all Eminem. I love him. I put on my headphones, kept my head down, said HI enough to not make anyone wonder. At the gym, I can't not be "off". I am an employee and there's no time to completely tune out. I know too many people and I'm always being watched as someone who works there. If I truly wanted to completely go off grid, I wouldn't go to the gym but I needed to lift heavy shit.

This week also made me seriously contemplate deleting my Facebook account. Not just deactivating, but deleting. The fact that it plays a significant role in staying connected with family photos and friends, I decided I needed to just back off it instead of deleting. *sigh*

I recognize different energies surging through me. I'm careful about what I say and to whom. I know that the energy I create is going to be the energy I get so it makes sense that this all happened this week. As soon as I started getting upset again about a problem I have with a manager, it welcomed the bad energy and I couldn't filter through it fast enough. I am intuitive enough to feel when I need to back off and when I need to walk away when conversations that are damaging to my energy arise. If it doesn't involve us, we just don't need it.

In other news, you ate a few more bites of banana this morning, sneezed, and then there was banana snot all over you. You smiled and that's the best parts of my day. Cheers to a new day.

This shit is no joke.

Stay at home mom of two kids under two. This shit is no joke.

I'll say it again, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I think about the 40 pounds I will lose after having Lincoln. That's nothing compared to the day in and day out adventures of being a SAHM. One kid, two kids, it doesn't matter. It's the toughest gig ever. Super rad and super tough. I heard a guy on NPR saying, "If you're worried about being a good parent, you're not the one that needs to worry." Whew! :)

The gym: my saving grace. The place where I can be me. I get to yell at people in class and they move their butts. I tried yelling at my 2 year old. He stared blankly at me, didn't even do the thing I wanted him to do, then starting crying. Awesome. I. am. Awesome. However, there's still the possibility that my gym time gets shortened by a poopy diaper or someone in hysterics.

I love my kids. I love them so much I can cry. I torture myself with horrible things that could happen like losing them. I could entertain the idea of suicide if anything ever happened to them. I would die for them if it meant saving them.
But, I love help more. Jason gets to be away all day while I am with two needy tiny humans. He's not exactly having fun all the time either I guess.

Why do we guilt ourselves for needing help? Why do I feel guilty for counting the hours and minutes until Jason comes home? Why do I feel guilty for needing a break? We shouldn't. I met a friend who has no qualms of saying, "I love my kids but..." She openly, without hesitation, without fear of being judged (because she doesn't care) says, "I love my kids but..." That "but" is filled with "I need me time and I'm not willing to give it up." I remind myself that kids or no kids, everyone needs a break from whatever it is that's demanding their attention; work, school, socializing. I'm never "off". Talon naps but even then I'm just waiting until the construction outside wakes him up and he cries after 20 minutes of being in his crib. I never in my life felt I needed a drink. These days, I get it. A glass of wine at the end of the day is appreciated. It doesn't always happen but when it does, ahhhh.

Today was tough and more sad than mad. Last Friday was mad. I did the stereotypical husband-comes-home-wife-hands-husband-toddler-and-says-get-out. Talon was in the kitchen rummaging through drawers, whining, hanging on me, I'm trying to fix dinner. I let it out when Jason came home. My fuse was down to the nub. My hands in the air, I said loudly (not yelling), "I admit I have very little patience as a mother right now. Get him out of here!" Talon hears my loud voice, starts crying and reaches for me from Jason's arms. My heart tears a little but not enough to take him.

Two year olds have no reasoning and their cognitive development is just beginning. Explaining to him while he's screaming from hunger that we're on our way to lunch doesn't do shit. What can you do? Block it out, turn up the radio, ignore him, give him a piece of fruit in the meantime. He'll eventually calm down and everyone will be happier when those fucking noodles arrive on the table. There's a language barrier as well. Sign language only helps so much. Talon doesn't have all the words he needs yet to communicate. I'll take a sassy kid over a irrational toddler any time. At least we can converse!

At this point in our lives, I certainly do more watching Talon than playing with him. Lincoln is completely dependent on me and Talon isn't completely independent. One of the things people love to say is, "Been there done that." I want to tell them to shut the fuck up. I hate hearing that and I hate hearing others say it to others. It ends up desensitizing the experience for the person talking. It takes a stance of what they're saying isn't important and whatever they're talking about is so passé. You can empathize with someone without taking away THEIR experience even if it is the same troubles with which every parent deals.

Well, it's 3:26pm. Lincoln just fell sounding asleep and now Talon is awake crying to get out of his crib. I got almost enough time to write this entire blog post. The wine is getting corked tonight!

You're fucking perfect.

You are fucking perfect. You both are. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Two babies, 22 months apart, whoa. If one of you is sleeping, seems the other isn't. Jason goes back to work tomorrow. I was short with you and Talon today. I realized it is because I don't have gym time until August 23rd when you turn 3 months old. I'm worried that Talon will not want to go into the child center and it'll be rough on everyone. 

You've been having some tough days lately. A little out of sorts. Swaddle pisses you off. Being free pisses you off. Being on your back really pisses you off. Just a rough patch, I hope. 

You're so stinking cute. You had your first giggle fest around 7 weeks. I was laughing with you and crying because it was so beautiful at the same time.

Now there's 3...soon there will be 4....

I'm in the officially insanely fucked up phase of pregnancy. The biggest craptastic factor is sleeping sucks:

• I get up every 2 hours to pee (not joking).
• My hips hurt despite having a huge fluffy body pillow.
• I can only sleep two ways; on my left side or on my right side.
• I have substantially uncomfortable Braxton Hicks contractions throughout the entire night.
• I wake up tired.
• Sometimes I can't even get back to sleep after I pee and I start thinking about what I should make for dinner that night or what I should eat for breakfast because food really isn't all that exciting anymore...

I just feel weird. Tired, yes....duh. Out of body? Yes. Happy? Sure. Sad? Not really. Hungry? Ok sure I can eat. On the bright side, Tikki has begun to leave my stomach alone for the most part. I've finally conditioned her that stepping on my belly is a no-no I imagine by the swift sweeping of my arm that comes at her if she attempts.

I'm ready to have you. I'm so ready to hold you. I'm trying to not confuse my absolute fatigue with anxiety. I'm such a busy person normally that this sitting home thing sucks. On the flip side, it's all I have the energy for with Talon. At this point with Talon, we were waiting and hoping for some sign of labor at any minute. Little did we know he would not come on his own and at 41 weeks and 2 days was still sitting comfortably inside. I'm sure you are too, Darling, but at least we have an eviction date! 39 weeks and 1 day. I anticipate you being a little smaller than Talon because you're going to get taken earlier. Oh but what does it matter?? I'm so excited for you to be here. I'm so excited to be back in the baby bubble and absorbing the moments with greater depth.

One of the best pieces of advice I got this entire pregnancy was from Bonnie (imagine that!). I was expressing some frustration in a session and she explained I was trying to be too logical and that I'm living in a very sacrificial space right now. All of my energy is going to you, Talon, or Dads. She said she could see my energy flow and none of it, or very little of it, was getting to me. She said I can and do recharge a great deal when Dads is just here and around. It gives me a chance to "turn off" which I liked and agreed with. I can feel a difference when he's just here. Being rational, she said, isn't a priority. You can totally ask for him to just BE here. Crazy true.

T minus 9 days, Little One....I love you!

I just have to laugh.

What else can I do really? I'm 34 weeks pregnant, I am taking care of a 20 month old, I have a sinus head cold, my back hurts, it's fucking snowing AGAIN, and Talon pooped in the bath tub yesterday. He pulled two giant bath towels in the tub with him after I didn't respond to his immediate calls of an overboard toy and then this morning he stuck toilet paper in the toilet before putting it in his mouth (I screamed!). He's not a baby anymore. He's a toddler with a powerful mind of his own.

L-bag, your brother T-nuts is hilarious. And a hand full. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sure you will be too! Between the two of you, you rock my world.

During T's nap yesterday, I did get to spend some time alone with you! I was laying on my right side when I felt some tickling under my left side. Then it got higher and more under my ribcage. It must have been your little leg stretching with some wiggling toes on a little foot. Are you running out of room? You are the size of a butternut squash this week! (Better than a durian. Ew.)

We're getting SO close! Closer than we thought!

Please stop crying, Talon!

Every mother's stomach churns when she hears her baby cry. Lately Talon has been crying and whining and there seems to be no cure. Not hungry, not poopy. Tired? Perhaps. Bored? Maybe. I redirect him and he clings to me. I get him down for naps. He goes to bed at a decent hour. Sometimes. I. Just. Want. A. Break. No whining, especially no whining. I can't stand to hear it because I don't want him to be upset but there are moments when it sounds like nails on a chalkboard and I want the sound to go away. Talon was crying in his crib one afternoon, refusing to nap. I had put him down and he seemed ready. Not 8 minutes later, he's up wailing. I debated; do I go in there or do I leave him to work it out? I decided leaving him in there wasn't going to hurt him (especially a 20 month old) and would probably be better for me at the moment. I wasn't mad at him but my emotions were heightened. I knew if he didn't sleep he'd be a wreck later. A parenting moment of I know what's best for you: sleep. Now go the fuck to sleep. The only solution that made me feel better was turning up some music loud enough to drown out his cries, just for 5 minutes, then I went in to get him. The impact it makes on my insides seems to be exacerbated by pregnancy. Would I have this hard of a time if I wasn't full of hormones? Deal the best with it as I can whatever it may be. It's not going to get any easier. I'm not asking for a bailout. Two kiddos doubles the trouble. I'm grateful for both of you but I think I'll like it better when I have my brain and body back. Cheers, Darling. Mommy loves you dearly.

Stopped by Braxton Hicks

Tomorrow is your baby shower, Honeeeey! I am so excited to see our friends! Dena and Mel have organized it. Sounds like it'll be a blast!

Past couple days I have been feeling unusual. I am/was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions since Thursday night, maybe earlier than that I can't remember. By Friday night, it hadn't gotten any worse but I had visions of having a baby on the couch. (Yikes! I think I lingered in worry for a moment too long.) This morning, we went to breakfast then came home and I did a couple loads of laundry which translates really into I threw some things in the washer.  You're moving around a lot which is great to feel. I'm so glad you're active! I think we'll be fine until your C-section day; I just have to rest when I feel the need. I am grateful to my instructor friends at Life Time Fitness who stepped in to teach some classes I was supposed to teach this morning.

Being pregnant with your brother was different. I got to sleep whenever I wanted/needed, no busy body to run after, pick up, lift, wrangle with into a car seat. I was still training full-time which meant on my feet for longer hours in the day. This time is different. I can't rest as much as I would have before. On the positive side, I've been feeling good enough to keep teaching fitness classes. By 32 weeks with Talon, I was so done teaching. I was retaining so much fluid that my ankles had pitting edema and too much pressure was being put on the bones. It hurt to walk sometimes. They say every pregnancy is different. So true! I don't have the linea nigera this time, no pitting edema, and not as much weight gain. At this point, I've gained 26 pounds. I have 6 weeks to go so it's inevitable you'll be getting pumper which is fantastic! Grow, Baby, grow! I gained pretty much 50lbs with Talon. Soooo puffy! I'm thinking I'll keep it to under 35lbs this time.

Your bed is ready. I've rented the hospital grade pump. Your clothes are unpacked and your swaddling blankets are clean.

We can't wait to meet you Darling!!!

Warning: don't read this if you believe in G - -.

I'll always be honest and frank with you. Truth be told I almost copied and pasted a blog entry written by someone else something about 7 things we need to teach our daughters. My plan was to copy, paste, change all the pronouns to "he" and "him" but then I ran across it...the sentence and the sentences thereafter that killed it for me. I read further and all over it, all in it, was about how the daughters were special because they were made in the image of God.

Maybe I'm tired. Maybe I've had a long day and I'm grumpy but really I don't want to read how she doesn't need a boyfriend to prove her self-worth. Only God can determine her worth. The crazy irrational ranting lunatic (come on, we all have one...) in my head is screaming. REALLY? Cut the fucking CRAP! Let's leave it up GOD. Just another MAN to decide HER worth. That sounds completely reasonable because allllllll the stories in the bible make sense. Allllll of them are not hypocritical of each other and they never EVER tell you to discriminate.

God. BIG *sigh*. Zooklettes, Your dad and I don't believe in God. You can believe whatever you want. We'll give you the background and you decide for yourself. We definitely believe in higher power, the universe, and energy. It all works together to create our reality. We affect that reality. Some people call that God. I don't like to personify it. I've met too many narrow-minded, egotistical, bigoted Christians who consider themselves good people just because they "believe in God". Don't waste your time. Our country's system (holidays being one example) is based in Christianity. It'll continue to be wrapped up in Christianity because in this day and age we continue to have this ridiculous debate about marriage. Maybe when you're a young adult, it be a non-issue. Some people think gay people shouldn't be allowed to legally marry because it's a violation and married only belongs between a man and woman. We believe marriage belongs to anyone (key word: ANYONE) who wants to make a commitment to the person they love. Isn't THAT what marriage is about? A lot of shitty marriages out there between a man and a woman who don't have fucking clue about what it means to be married. Why isolate it?

I love this one: "God only gives you what you can handle." Bullshit. Why do people walk into movie theaters and elementary school and shoot people? Think they were given what they could handle? Probably not.

What it really boils down to is respect, embracing, and getting passed the ego. Most of the world operates off ego. I may not like referring to the higher power as God but in the end won't let my ego get in the way to tell someone else they're wrong or ridiculous for believing in Jesus or God. Just as I wouldn't appreciate someone telling me tha I'm ridiculous for not believing.

In my humble opinion, the more you start to read the bible more ridiculous it all sounds. Find your own truth. Find what works for you. I found what works for me.

Somebody cook for me!

I'm having trouble these days finding motivation to cook. I wake up in the morning, fix Jason's lunch and breakfast, get Talon situated at the table for his breakfast, then I get to sit down and finally eat too. As one friend said to me, "That's very 1950's housewife of you." I really don't mind. I'm glad to speed up the morning process for Jason if I can help by fixing his food while he gets ready for work. When I do finally sit down, Talon is done with his breakfast and wants to eat some of mine. Maybe I need to give that kid a bigger breakfast!

I usually LOVE breakfast. I'm struggling to figure out what sounds good. Breakfast is something without dairy to not inhibit my iron supplement absorption. Lunch and dinner would be anything that somebody else would cook for me. Preferably Asian food.

When it comes to dinner, I almost dread it. I want the fridge to fill itself. I go to the store now because I have to not because I want to. I used to LOVE cruising the grocery store aisles. Now it's a game to see how much time to I have before Talon completely loses it and starts standing up in the cart or throwing whatever items he can reach on the floor. Ugh, I'm 7 months pregnant and this shit ain't easy. I wouldn't have it any other way but this isn't easy.

I want MY mommy....

Gemini Baby!

The Gemini child is very curious. All facets of life fascinate him, and he loves to explore nature. Gemini Baby quickly learns how to talk and walk. His parents must watch him carefully because he often strays from view. He needs to wander, to walk, to know, to communicate. He gets bored quite easily, and needs to develop multiple interests. He is the kind of person who can do many things at the same time. Any kind of repression or obstruction of his freedom could provoke an emotional depression which could be very difficult for him to overcome. If he needs to be confined to a small space, he should have many toys, books, a TV and someone to talk to. www.bubhub.com

Your Gemini Child is a Bundle of Endless Energy
When going out with your Gemini, you need to keep your eyes extra open. She can easily get lost in a crowd if you are not paying attention. Almost anything can arouse her curiosity and she will not stop until she explores that thing in and out. A baby harness will save you from rapid heartbeats when you see your toddler missing from her pram.

In spite of her naughtiness, you cannot cut her freedom, mentally or physically. Try doing that and you will see a sad, helpless face watching you from behind the bars of her enclosure. That will make you not only pick her up and leave her out into the open, but also apologize for your mistake. After all, air cannot be confined.

Even before other children are learning to handle toys, your Gemini will be reading books. And she will learn fast. Before long, you will need to create a shelf exclusively for her books.

Helluu, Baby! Your mommy is a Gemini too! I snipped this excerpt out because I identified with it. Talon is a Leo and Daddy is a Sagittarius. I wouldn't call myself a "true" Gemini only because I'm on the cusp of Taurus and Gemini. My birthday, May 22, starts the length of Gemini. May 21 is still Taurus. Anyway, not to brand you before you are born but I'll do my best to remember these things as you grow. My childhood was wonderful for the most part as every parent hopes to hear. Our family had our ups and downs which you'll hear stories along the way. The part about Geminis being a bundle of endless energy is true. I never stopped as a kid. I loved playing outside, getting dirty, running around all over the neighborhood, being active. As grateful as I am for taking piano lessons and learning music from the age of 5, I think that was more the vision of my mother. I was still encouraged and allowed to play sports but piano was absolute. There was no discussing that I would take piano. End of story. I was finally "allowed" to quit at age 14 or 15. I hated practicing. I hated the guilt of going to lessons because I knew I hadn't practiced. I wanted to play harder songs but I wasn't willing to put in the practice time. It just didn't matter to me. Recitals were nervewracking but prepared me to perform in front of a very large group of people. Elisa was the music superstar and that was fine. I resented the idea that somehow they thought I should do the same thing. Oh, second sibling guilt. I get it, Honey. I'll be there for you if you ever start to feel inadequate. My loving parents did the best they could but their relationship was so foreign to themselves I think they got lost early along the way. If I needed to sum it up in one sentence: I don't think I was allowed to be me at a young age. Bonnie mentioned this. I didn't have a voice. I had no power. I couldn't make any decisions despite the constant, constant, struggle between me and my mother as a young child. We fought and I wore both my parents down. My mom didn't know what to do with me. By eighth grade, she was putting me in personal training because I was overweight. I wanted to be fit. Yes! It was my first shot at feeling powerful and athletic. What if I'd gotten to do what I'd wanted to do in the first place?

But what did I want to do? Take dance. Hip Hop. Contemporary. Karate.  Gymnastics. Something physically expressive. Piano? Expressive, no doubt. There were moments I truly enjoyed it. Mostly, I liked the idea of knowing how to play. I enjoyed the fact that I already knew how to read music in 6th grade band when everyone else was learning what a quarter note was.

Whoever you are, I'll do my best to really see you. See into you, see through you, see deep inside that special soul of yours and remind you how much power resides inside you. I'll give you options and I'll give you a voice. Shine on!

UUUUGGGGH: Pregnant AND the 24 hour flu!

I passed the glucose gestational diabetes test! YAY! But I mean, really, if they're gonna make you ingest 50 grams of sugar for a blood test, why can't it be cake? Mmmmm, cake.

I had a rough couple days starting on Tuesday, Squirt. I hope you were okay in there. Felt like you were because you kept bumping me! Tuesday afternoon I had a toe charlie horse. A TOE charlie horse. Who gets that? Obviously I needed some more water or something because this girl got one. That evening my belly and low back were significantly uncomfortable but not agonizing to the point of going to the hospital. We went to bed around 8pm but by 10pm, I was still uncomfortable and considered getting Jason up to go to the hospital. I talked myself off the ledge because really I knew I was okay. Getting everyone up would be such an ordeal when it wasn't an absolute emergency. I got ready to take a warm bath instead. One step away from dipping my big toe into the water and had to run to the bathroom. ALLLLL of dinner came back up. I puked so hard little blood vessels broke around my eyes. I puked about three more times before I knew it was over. I usually always cry when I puke for real. It just sucks. (Morning sickness crying? That shit is just annoying.)

Jason woke up and came in, brought me my robe to keep me warm,  I got into the tub and he went back to bed telling me to call for him if I needed anything. Who knows how long I stayed in the tub. I walked slowly to my phone around midnight to text for a sub for STRIKE! Wednesday morning. I knew there was no way I'd be able to STRIKE! it up. I crawled back into bed, sipped water all night, and slept like hell. I woke up around the time Talon started babbling at 6:30am and realized I had to tell Jason I was not okay. There was no way I was going to be able to be home alone with Talon all day. We started running through ideas for what to do...Jason go to work, I call the doctor, I call Jason later to take me to the doctor. Then, I puked again AND I peed myself. I have no shame. I fucking peed myself. 

Jason put in for a sub. I'd been having stomach pains from an empty stomach so I knew I needed to eat something to soak up the acid. Two piece of white bread. Jason said to Talon, "Okay, Buddy, you're coming to school with me so I can tell the sub what to do while Mommy rests!" You know it's bad when you have to tell your husband he can't go to work that day because you are too sick to stand up.


I stayed in bed mostly all day (expect to get a banana) until about 5:30p when I finally felt decent enough to get up and take another bath to rinse off the ick. Jason brought me some Gatorade and another piece of bread. I managed to sift between aches and Braxton Hicks to take some Tylenol. What a difference that made! Nurse Lori called me back and said to take it easy and keep pushing fluid since I didn't have a fever, continued to vomit or diaherra. I busted out the Prenatal Cradle to help support my belly which I haven't taken off since. We all had Cream of Wheat for dinner. Talon had slept from 2:30-5:30p but he went back to bed around 8:00p just after dinner.

We watched an episode of SMASH in bed then it was back to bed for us around 9pm. We're all better today!

Glucose Test Time!

26 weeks and 5 days. I went in today after I drank that gawd-awful glucose drink to test for gestational diabetes. Shit has 50 grams of pure fake orange flavored sugar. BLECH! PFFT PFFFFFT ICKPHOOEY! I mean, come on, if I'm going to consume 50 grams of sugar, couldn't it be cake??

My c-section should be scheduled this week tentatively for May 23rd. I'll go in the day before for a blood draw and to do paperwork then locked and loaded ready for surgery!

You are measuring ahead, Baby. Your brother did too. Despite the actual countdown, you measured at 29 weeks. Dr. Heather said we'll watch things and just perhaps I'll be looking at a 9 pounder. Talon wasn't too far behind 9 pounds! (8lbs 12.8oz) The nurses helped me find your little butt and head. She said "Feel for the two hard places." You are head down, butt up and all curled around like a baby cinnamon roll. Cinnamon rolls might be sweet but you sure do do a lot of punching! :)

I've been getting a tight belly a lot lately which they weren't too concerned about but reminded me to listen to my body. Round ligament pain or Braxton Hicks? I think a little bit of both. She didn't cut me off of teaching classes but if I start to feel any pain or pressure to simply back off and coach. I got to 32 weeks with Talon and had to stop teaching mainly because the edema in my ankles made walking so unbearably uncomfortable. I'm hoping to make it to the beginning or middle of May. I keep forgetting to bust out the Prenatal Cradle. Awwww yeh! By the end of the day, my back aches a little and my belly is tight. Like, um, right now.

Soooo, I'm expecting you to be a(nother) big baby. Maybe even bigger than your brother. That's fine, dude. Keep growing healthy and strong. You might give your older brother a run for his money one day!

Happenings

Tikki has started to walk around and howl during the day. I think she knows Vader is gone forever. It's kind of sad, kind of annoying when Talon is sleeping but I think she's lonely. We used to think she was in kitty ecstacy not having to worry about Vader chasing her everyday but now, we're thinking she misses the companionship. More often, I could find her and Vader curled up on the bed together. We decided to adopt another cat. The trick is finding one that, as Jason says, is just as skittish and weird as she is so they don't fight. Jason called her Mommy's Little Princess for the longest time. She still is but I know I don't spend nearly the amount of time with her that I used to. I push her off me at night when she insists on sleeping on my pregnant belly which is really uncomfortable! She licks adhesive and photographs (grrr), she howls at 6:30am EVERY morning (even on the weekends) in the bathroom which echoes across the house, she nudges my face with her cold, wet nose after I've laid back down during the night and she licks every faucet she can find despite the fact she gets fresh water everyday in her bowl. She still follows me around and I try to give her kisses as much as possible to remind her she's still loved.

I wake up in the mornings usually by the alarm clock cat or Talon babbling, fascinated in his room. I lie there and I don't "feel" pregnant; my belly doesn't feel tight, my feet don't hurt, my back doesn't ache, I'm not annoyed by just stuff. Then I get a little kick. There you are, Little One. Good Morning! You move pretty much all night which I don't mind at all. I look forward to that first morning kick just as much as my first cup of coffee. I bought you a baby gift a couple days ago. A pair of Roobez 12-18 month slipper shoes for when you're walking. I won't make you wear Talon's hand-me-downs. He wore the hell out of his and now they're holey.

Talon has a cold now. Poor dude is coughing while he naps and I have been wiping green boogies from his nose with a soft blanket. Nap and bedtimes have been going soooo well with him. He gets a bath, brush teeth, give Mommy a kiss, 3 books with Daddy, then lights out. It's a routine that soothes us all. Bedtime is no longer a struggle or enduring even 10 minutes of crying. So restful!

We get to see Bonnie tomorrow. Yay! Give us both a little pop of mental and internal energy. I keep wondering how your birth will go. Will you come early? Will we really do a C-section on May 23rd? Will I teach classes as long as I hope? Will you be okay? (always the most important question...)

I am excited for Bonnie as I am in need of some focusing. I used the powers she taught me to expel some negative energy from my life a few weeks ago. It's really amazing how you can truly change how to feel and think through Reiki. I completely changed the energy around that incident by power of the mind. I couldn't change what happened but I could and did change how I thought about it. I took ahold of my power, a little tighter, and expunged that face. Those words. Eliminated the steroided-out coward from my line of vision, flinging it into a place of chaos that doesn't involve me anymore because that's only the possible place it can be living with the way they behaved. Another place of chaos and I assure you, the universe works there too.

I need to remember what I want to deal with and what I don't. Removing myself from situations and people that don't add positively to the mix will go. I try to rehash every few months to calibrate what's and who is really working. It all makes for a happier, healthier being. You'll meet Bonnie, Little One. You and Talon will hopefully both get to see her and use her as a resource. She changed the course of life for me and your Dad.

Work it, Dude, work it!

You're a mover and a shaker, Little One! I fell asleep to you last night then woke up to you as well. Do you move alllll night long? :) As you grow bigger, your punches and kicks are getting heavier. Keep it up, I can take it. 25 weeks tomorrow! Your big bro lifts up my shirt and says, "Ba-bee". He did that to Dads which was pretty funny. He did it to himself too! I don't think he still understands what he's in for but we're all ecstatic to meet you. Take your time and stay healthy. We're planning on seeing you around May 23rd..which is also your uncle's birthday! If you come a little earlier or a little later, that's okay too.

I love you! See you later!

Year of the Snake: 2013

My little Snake...

The sign of the Snake is considered the most intuitive, introspective and refined of all the animal signs. Snakes are cunning, intelligent and wise. Snakes are attractive, with a calm, cool and collected temperament. Snakes are competitive and work hard, while staying modest (so don't expect baby to brag about getting straight A's in school!).
A social butterfly
There are several different types of snakes in Chinese astrology, and 2013 is the year of the water snake. Expect to have a Chatty Cathy (or Chatty, um, Kent?) -- water snakes are known for their ability to socialize and make new friends. While they're very proud of their personal achievements, snakes are also thoughtful and considerate of others.
A dark side
While baby will be affectionate toward you, expect her to be less touchy-feely with strangers and friends. Snakes are known to give very little TLC to colleagues and business partners. Babies born in the year of the snake are proud, aware and, sometimes, a bit vain. Snakes dislike being interrupted, and they don't like failing. The snake possesses the intriguing characteristics of being exciting, graceful and dark.
Some likes and dislikes
Stock up on red, green and blue baby clothes, because snakes prefer those colors. And get some gear for arts and crafts, travel and outdoor stargazing, since snakes enjoy astrology, painting, touring and photography. They're also incredibly in touch with the world around them -- so if anybody has a sixth sense, it's your snake!
A successful future
Water snakes are lucky (especially when it comes to finances) and always seem to have money coming their way. And they're also self-motivated. Snakes are determined to get what they want! Water snakes in particular are great managers and very organized -- so you can look forward to baby being successful in business. They're also extremely intelligent and have a wealth of creative ideas. Potential occupations include scientist, potter, jeweler, astrologer, painter, dietitian or maybe even analyst.
A risk taker
Because water snakes are adventurous spirits and big risk takers, be sure to baby-proof thoroughly! And since snakes are known to dive headfirst into decisions without thinking them through, you might want to give extra lessons in budgeting and managing finances (they can't rely on luck forever) once baby's old enough to spend money.

Catching up.

I almost called this post "Bat shit crazy." I had titled it a couple weeks ago or so when I thought I was going to talk about the irrefutable instinct a mother feels, or should feel, to protect her child. Bat shit crazy would extend to that borderline animalistic extent you would go to in order to keep your child safe. I'd take a bullet, I'd punch anyone, I'd hunt down, I'd fight or flight depending on the situation that was best for my child. I felt that feeling, like a tide, rising up to my threshold. I felt like I was going into survival mode.

Baby Z, I talk to you and wait for you everyday to let me know you're okay because you know I'd go to any length to make sure of that. Same goes for your brother. I guess that's where the posting title came from. It's a absorbing feeling that I had never felt before; the kind of feeling that only comes when you're in charge of a defenseless little human.

The original title may have come around the time when I heard about Talon getting pushed down in the child center by a little girl about 6 months older than him. I found later after several minutes of pondering, Talon found that little girl and pushed her right back. Not exactly an appropriate solution to all conflicts...however, it was satisyfing to know that he wasn't going to put up with any crap! When you have no words to describe your feelings, what else can you do??

I put your little ultrasound picture next to the computer screen so I can see you more often. I feel you moving around all the time which cracks me up.

As for other details, you're measuring right on schedule. T always measured bigger but I was much puffier with him as well! All your tests came back with no concerns and we've tentatively planned your birthday for May 23, 2013. Talon's birth didn't happen at all the way we planned nonetheless a wonderful experience. I am happy to roll with any minor changes but I really hope things go relatively close to plan. I still worry that something could go wrong but I just remember what Bonnie said; you're here for the love and that helps me through.

SO excited to see you!

Boy!

My sweet boy...

We got to see your cutie face today on the ultrasound. Talon is going to have a little brother! You have been named and now it's just waiting the wait until you arrive. 19 more weeks to go!

You're healthy; little feet, little hands, a big growing head and brain, a pumping heart, two kidneys, a teeny stomach, femur bones all froggie'd up next to your chest. You're perfect.

I can't wait to squish your adorable little face and give you kissies until you're soaked! 

Daddy, Mommy, and Talon love you, Little One! See you in about 5 months.

And let's do it again!!

I get why people have more than one baby. It was Mother Nature's goal for us to forget how difficult it is to have a newborn at home those first few months. A stretch? Maybe, maybe not. I forget how much sleep I did or didn't get; I do remember that heart wretching feeling when I heard Talon cry two, three, four, five times a night when he was so itty bitty. You want to jump up and hold him all night long then you also just want to sleep.

The 4 day hospital stay was a blur but I do remember a majority of it. It was my cocoon of Babyland and I loved every minute. Well, maybe not the puking after surgery. I could totally do without that! I'm almost 5 months along with you now and I am soooo excited to meet you! Day of surgery has been tentatively set for May 23rd, the day after my birthday. Two Geminis in the house. Woo hoo, Darling! Talon was born at 41 weeks and 2 days. You, my dear, if all goes as planned, will be 39 weeks and 1 day. I am thinking you won't be as big as Talon since you won't have those extra 2 weeks to gain more weight in there!

I know what to expect for the most part. There will be no induction, no Pitocin (Thank God!), no labor, no waiting. Just walk into the O.R, squirt a big needle in my back, then have a baby. Knowing the experience in some shape or form helps. I laugh nervously now remembering when I excitedly told my nurse the first morning how Talon slept through the night! She looked at me with soft, friendly eyes and said, "Oh honey, you should have been waking him up to get the feedings going..."  Eek. Did I know that? Maybe I did and I got swept away in Babyland. Nevertheless, I'm prepared now!

Back to the original intent for this post...so excited to meeting you and knowing what to expect for the most part. I know what it'll feel like taking you home, getting you home, and I'll know what to do with you when you get here! I'm excited to do all of it all over again. Baby snuggles, baby burps, baby baths, baby naps together.

Dads and I decided on a name yesterday for you if you are a boy. Just like that; it was pretty quick. Super cool. Whether you are a boy or a girl, your name will is pure awesomeness.

Wow.

Dear Baby,
We are SO excited to meet you! I looked at a picture of an ultrasound again today and it just hit me how real it all is! And we're close! Almost half way there! Totally awesome! We find out next week if you are a boy or girl. YAY!

Any visions from the universe on eliminating dumb people from your life when you work with them? Remind me to breathe again...right, inner simplicity. *breathing in....breathing out*

Love,
Mommy

Happy New Year

I am not really a resolution maker. I am not that person on January 1 who says, "This year I'm going to (insert big drastic event or same goal as last year)." I guess I prefer the experience, the journey, of constant self-evaluation. Maybe it's just easier for me to digest that way. My personality can be all-or-nothing and I learned a long time ago that that gets me nowhere. Over the years, I have become more aware to be tolerant and patient with myself. I had a temper and when I don't check myself, I end up breaking stuff. So, I let it rolllllll. Sometimes I ebb, sometimes I flow, sometimes I'm just stuck. Within the recent years, I have consciously been working on my energy and how that affects everything and everyone around me.

The holidays have been tough and it's usually my favorite time of the year. I'm the person who puts up the Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving and doesn't take them down until mid-January. I adore the lights, the music, the snowmen, the trees, the brighter the better. I can be a worry-wart sometimes which, judging by previous posts, is obvious. This brings me to this blog entry.

2012 was the first year since we moved in to 10327 Bailey that we hadn't gone back to Columbus for Christmas. The holiday break has been relaxing and lonely at the same time. Between all that and the passing of Vader, I couldn't wait for the holidays to be gone for now.

Sometime back in 2004, I was somewhere in downtown Denver searching for (more) inner peace. My level of self-awareness was not what it is today but I always look for something that makes sense. I had just started my first real job with a salary and benefits as a physical education teacher. I was clueless. Miserable. Stressed. Living alone. Dealing with emotional issues. I went to school to be a exercise physiologist. What that meant when I graduated I had no idea. Being a teacher was the toughest role I'd ever be in and frankly, I was drowning. I knew I was not born to be an elementary and middle school teacher but I loved physical activity so I think I hoped my passion would come through and eventually, I would learn better teaching techniques.

During one of my usual weekend outings in Denver to find the next funky shop, I came across a book inner simplicity by Elaine St. James. It is a physically small book like 4" x 6" and may have been intended to be bathroom reading. Nonetheless, I probably thought, 'This will help'. I may have skimmed through it. I may have taken more satisfaction in that I owned it versus actually reading and absorbing it. Nine years later as I'm cleaning out my basement, I come across it. I sit down, start reading and get it. It sinks in. After nine years, it finally makes sense for my life right now. It makes sense for you, Baby, and for us.

The book is divided into chapters then smaller numbered sections.
Chapter 1- Things you'll want to do

1. Simplify your life
2. Spend time each day in nature
3. Connect with the sun
4. Create beauty in your life
5. Create simplicity, not austerity
6. Learn to enjoy the silence
7. Have a family meal in silence
8. Figure out what you need to do to get well
9. Get in touch with your creativity
10. Latch on to synchronicity
11. Slow down
12. Learn to receive
13. Be realistic
14. Figure out what you don't want in your life
15. Enjoy each moment
16. Take time to read
17. But don't read in bed
18. Sleep a lot

Chapter 2- Easy things to think about doing

  19. Have a weekend retreat at home
  20. Consider a family retreat
  21. Remember, growth isn't always a family affair
  22. Don't get caught in the righteousness of your own path
  23. Form a support group
  24. Create a positive structure for your group

This is where I stopped today. Well, I was reading in the tub and I was starting to turn into a prune. I especially like #21. One paragraph said, ...How you proceed will depend to some extent the level of communication that has already been established. Go slowly, and don't be too attached to having them join you. It may be that the most you can hope for is their understanding and acceptance. If you can't get even that for the moment, learn to keep your own counsel and don't make anyone else wrong in the process. (I love this next line) Learning to deal with the reaction of the people close to you could be a major part of your growth. Your biggest challenge may be to accept the situation as it is and continue on your way. I like #22 as well. It's important to be careful to remember that we all might have the same goal but a different path.

I feel the vortex of 2012 and the holidays behind me. I'm leaving all the twinkling holiday lights. I feel like a kid whose parent is in the midset of taking off my winter jacket and I'm itching to break free. I've got one arm out, I feel one hand on my shoulder like 'wait, we're not done quite yet' and my other arm reaching out ahead of me. Then with one swift move, my other arm is pulled out of my coat and I'm running. Not necessarily out with the old and in with the new...more like OUT with fear and worry and thinking I can fix things that aren't my problem and IN with continuing to take care of myself and fostering the loved ones around me.