My sweet pea, Lincoln,
I should have written this months upon months ago. I should have written this within the week you came home!
You, like your brother, was born via cesarean section. Unlike your brother, yours was planned. Talon ended up being born through emergency c-section after many long hours of waiting.
The preparation for you began in the evening on May 22, 2013. My birthday. Gremily was here visiting specifically for your arrival. We had dinner and birthday cake. I had to not eat after 11pm to be ready for early morning surgery. Your dad and I woke up really early the morning of May 23, 2013 and said to one another, "Let's go have a baby!" I had to be at the hospital around 5am for 7:30am surgery. We packed up our stuff and drove in the dark early hours.
We checked in, the nurses set up my IV, I filled out paperwork and then we waited for everyone to be ready. Our OBGYN, Amy Johnson, and the anthesiologist came to the room around 7:15am. Everyone was ready! I started singing a silly song as they pushed me down the hallway in the bed to the OR. I wanted to let everyone know I was feeling good and wanted them to feel good too. They were about to cut me open to pull you out. All involved must be happy!
I was nervous about the spinal and certain I was going to be nauseous. The anthesiologist did my spinal and was very attentive, telling me to let him know if I was going to be sick and he'd adjust my medicine. I got sick within minutes of the anthesthia hitting me. The worst part was my stomach was empty so I just kept dry heaving stomach acid. Your birth went swimmingly. I was prepared this time for what would happen afterwards. They'd sew me up, wheel me into recovery, wash you, check your toes and eyes and everything in between then give you back to me as soon as they could so I could feed you. Daddy brought you to me after they pulled you out. You were screaming! :) I bet you were cold and wondering what the heck??!!
As soon as you were okay and I was okay, they wheeled me back into my room where we would stay for the next three days. The worst part about the rest of your birthday was I was sooooo sick from the anesthesia. It took abut 10 hours for it to wear off. I remember barely sitting up to feed you, to hold you, to sleep with you. I couldn't sit up too far or I'd vomit. I bet I vomited 18 or 20 times that day. Horrible. I tried to eat but I couldn't keep anything down. The nurses gave me painkillers every four hours for the incision which knocked me out. I was out of it most of the day. We had fantastic nurses. I called them my second moms. Such wonderful people and so caring! Two nurses tried to help me up to the bathroom but I was going to get sick again. We all wanted me to walk around as soon as possible to aid in recovery. Movement promotes blood flow which helps healing!
You were eating well but as soon as you ate all the colostrum I had, you started to get mad because you wanted more. You'd latch on, get nothing, tear away and cry. Because of the c section, my milk hadn't come in yet. It'd be another 3 days before it did. I exclusively breastfed you until 6 weeks; you got way more breast milk than Talon ever got. There was a two week period in there when you didn't gain any weight and Dr. Heinrichs said I needed to give you formula. You were already dropping off the weight charts in the wrong direction. I couldn't bear the thought of you being in danger because I was too selfish to not give you formula.
You were born on Thursday, May 23, 2013 at 7:43 am. You were 7 lbs 8 ounces, 20 1/2" long. You looked like baby monkey with a whispy layer of dark hair all over you. You lost that within a week or so.
You, me, and Daddy spent four days in the hospital together. We enjoyed the time alone with you before it got crazy at home. Grandma Kim and Gremily had come to stay with Talon while we stayed with you. They all came to visit in the hospital though the first day I was too out of it to converse.
We brought you home on the following Sunday. Daddy went to Boulder get the breast pump. I remember crying when Dad had to start working in the garage for camps. I was overwhelmed and felt like I had to take care of everyone. We worked it out but those first few months were tough.
I wouldn't change a thing though. Your birth went smoothly and safely. We brought home our little Lincoln whom we love and cherish. I love you and Talon with the same amount of ferociousness!
Love, Momma
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
For the boys from their Mama
Dear Talon and Lincoln, loves of my life...
As much as we don't want to think of this ever happening, there could be a day when I'm not here. It could happen too soon so I'm writing to give you as much of myself as I can with mere words.
You are both dearly loved and wanted. Your dad and I waited years (yes, years) for you. Talon's book explains the journey and raw detail, which also includes a letter which is for you both. I was born Sarah Beth Vaughan but when I married your dad I became Sarah Vaughan Zook. My nickname growing up was Cheese, given to me by the neighbor boys and your aunt, Elisa. What can I say? It's true. I like cheese. A lot.
As much as I advocate for communication, it's still hard. Do it as much as you can though. I prefer cool weather to hot weather. I wear a lot of tank tops. I like muscles and untraditional things. When I met your dad, I felt more like a boy than a girl...whatever the fuck that means. I cuss a lot. Over time, I've come into my own but I still fight hard to sticking to my gut of what feels natural to me. Sometimes I can get caught up in shit around me and lose sight. I used to not enjoy going to the beach but now that I'm older, I do. I was never a fan of swim suits but the older I got the more comfortable in my body I became and don't mind.
I love breakfast and sushi but not sushi for breakfast. I like most anything not mainstream then decide later. Remind your dad to show you picture of me with all colors of hair. Make him take you to Hawaii someday. I never went...yet.
You both got kissed pretty much every time I picked you up. I'd stare at you for a few seconds before I'd pull you into my chest and couldn't believe you're mine or how ridiculously cute you both are. I'd worry you won't know your cousins or grandparents very well. I think about what our next house will be and where it will be. I wonder what you'll want to go, where you'll go, who you'll be, and hope we're fiercely close no matter where on the map we are. I want to raise boys who are confident, passionate, full of love and ambition. Too many get raised that way because they aren't taught the differences in their own ego. I plan on teaching you to punch because everyone needs to know how to punch. I want to you never be afraid to dance because dancing fucking rocks and everyone loves a handsome man who can dance. Plus it'll make you feel good. Sing if you feel like it. Sing if you want to.
I can't stand too much *stuff* and dislike uncleanliness. It's cathartic to purge crap you're not using. I love shopping; Adidas shoes, dresses, tailored men's trousers, vests and shirts, makeup, baggy pants, tank tops.
Your dad is intensely, insanely creative. Play. Dream. Create with him.
Don't trust someone too much who doesn't have some kind of grammar ability; writing and speaking. It speaks volumes.
Be authentic. This is a process that has captured more of my heart in the most empowering way since I started seeing Bonnie. People say be yourself so seriously, don't let those words become diluted for you. Be yourself. And if you're not sure who that is, spend the time to figure it out. Don't be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. Have your own identity and whomever you decide to love must respect all of you in that manner. Have a hobby and keep up on it. Have a passion outside of the person you're with because if they ever (god forbid) go away, you need to have kept your sense of self.
With all that said, respect the rules. Don't be a butthead. Know when to speak up and when to shut up. You'll thank me later. Open doors for old people. Old doors for women and children. Treat everyone how you would wish to be treated and if they don't treat you well, fuck 'em. Walk away and get away from that energy. You don't need it. Say thank you. Say please. You'll be amazed how far it'll get you. I didn't raise no dummies...you already know this! :)
As much as we don't want to think of this ever happening, there could be a day when I'm not here. It could happen too soon so I'm writing to give you as much of myself as I can with mere words.
You are both dearly loved and wanted. Your dad and I waited years (yes, years) for you. Talon's book explains the journey and raw detail, which also includes a letter which is for you both. I was born Sarah Beth Vaughan but when I married your dad I became Sarah Vaughan Zook. My nickname growing up was Cheese, given to me by the neighbor boys and your aunt, Elisa. What can I say? It's true. I like cheese. A lot.
As much as I advocate for communication, it's still hard. Do it as much as you can though. I prefer cool weather to hot weather. I wear a lot of tank tops. I like muscles and untraditional things. When I met your dad, I felt more like a boy than a girl...whatever the fuck that means. I cuss a lot. Over time, I've come into my own but I still fight hard to sticking to my gut of what feels natural to me. Sometimes I can get caught up in shit around me and lose sight. I used to not enjoy going to the beach but now that I'm older, I do. I was never a fan of swim suits but the older I got the more comfortable in my body I became and don't mind.
I love breakfast and sushi but not sushi for breakfast. I like most anything not mainstream then decide later. Remind your dad to show you picture of me with all colors of hair. Make him take you to Hawaii someday. I never went...yet.
You both got kissed pretty much every time I picked you up. I'd stare at you for a few seconds before I'd pull you into my chest and couldn't believe you're mine or how ridiculously cute you both are. I'd worry you won't know your cousins or grandparents very well. I think about what our next house will be and where it will be. I wonder what you'll want to go, where you'll go, who you'll be, and hope we're fiercely close no matter where on the map we are. I want to raise boys who are confident, passionate, full of love and ambition. Too many get raised that way because they aren't taught the differences in their own ego. I plan on teaching you to punch because everyone needs to know how to punch. I want to you never be afraid to dance because dancing fucking rocks and everyone loves a handsome man who can dance. Plus it'll make you feel good. Sing if you feel like it. Sing if you want to.
I can't stand too much *stuff* and dislike uncleanliness. It's cathartic to purge crap you're not using. I love shopping; Adidas shoes, dresses, tailored men's trousers, vests and shirts, makeup, baggy pants, tank tops.
Your dad is intensely, insanely creative. Play. Dream. Create with him.
Don't trust someone too much who doesn't have some kind of grammar ability; writing and speaking. It speaks volumes.
Be authentic. This is a process that has captured more of my heart in the most empowering way since I started seeing Bonnie. People say be yourself so seriously, don't let those words become diluted for you. Be yourself. And if you're not sure who that is, spend the time to figure it out. Don't be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. Have your own identity and whomever you decide to love must respect all of you in that manner. Have a hobby and keep up on it. Have a passion outside of the person you're with because if they ever (god forbid) go away, you need to have kept your sense of self.
With all that said, respect the rules. Don't be a butthead. Know when to speak up and when to shut up. You'll thank me later. Open doors for old people. Old doors for women and children. Treat everyone how you would wish to be treated and if they don't treat you well, fuck 'em. Walk away and get away from that energy. You don't need it. Say thank you. Say please. You'll be amazed how far it'll get you. I didn't raise no dummies...you already know this! :)
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