Dear Baby,
Christmas was fun and sad yesterday. Your brother woke up and was a little baffled at all the toys waiting for him. We video recorded him coming down the hall then just staring at the presents. It's been one of the many best things about being a parent; getting to watch you guys have so much fun.
Late afternoon, we found our beloved kitty, Vader, having difficulty breathing. He died on the way to the emergency vet hospital. He was only 8 years old. We don't know why but the vet thinks he had a asthma attack which put him into respiratory failure. She said sometimes it just happens with cats. Vader was a big part of our lives while he was here. He solidified the relationship between me and your dad before we were married. Dads called Vader his "college cat" Vader would stay up with your dad for hours into the wee morning reading or playing video games or writing papers. Vader had a cute way of kind of breathing like Darth Vader but we named him Vader really because he was mostly black. He was a tuxedo cat, black and white. He would carry on a meowing conversation with you and one time even meowed, "I don't know" when we asked how in the heck he got himself stuck in a plastic drawer. He was always trying to sneak out the front or garage door, bee-lining for the grass to chew on. We didn't let him out by himself because there are coyotes in Colorado and we didn't want him to get hurt.
You'll never meet Vader. We are sad and angry that Vader was taken from us too soon and we always thought he'd be around for 18 or 20 years. He was such a wonderful kitty. Friendly, explorative, mysterious, and if he could talk his humor would be dry for sure.
I hope on some level Vader didn't suffer. I hope he wasn't in pain and just too weak to call for us. Tikki is still here, bless her, I hope she is okay. There's a giant hole in the house since he's been gone.
We love you so so much, Vader. Even though Talon made you uncomfortable, thank you for letting him pet you sometimes. Talon loved to watch you and wanted to be your friend. Peace and love, Vader.
I've been sad, Little One. I'm hoping you're doing well and I'm trying to not let you feel the same pain. It's Tuesday and the events have settled in. The shock is subsiding but the heartache lingers for all those families and little kids.
I'm feeling hyper-vigilant everywhere I go now. Even to the places I frequent. I hate it. I hate feeling like no place is safe.
I thought maybe talking to you today would make me feel better. I've been wanting to write but not necessarily about tragedies. Nonetheless, communication and awareness brings us together so I won't worry about you anymore.
I'll say the same thing to you I say to your brother every single night before I tuck him into bed, "I love you, you're safe, I'll see you when you wake up."
14 weeks, 6 days.
Today was a scare at the doctor's office. Dr. Amy came in to check on you and you were in a funky position (face down, spine up) which made it difficult for her to find your heart beat. For a second, we both thought there was no heart beat.
My heart skipped a few beats. I immediately started thinking of how I could I possibly get around to letting people know. Then, I saw your arm move. You wiggled a little bit and your tiny heart was pounding strong. We checked you with the extra high tech ultrasound machine and you were dancing to a 148 beats per minute heart rate. Strong. Thriving.
Stay with me, Baby. I couldn't bear to lose you. Momma loves you.
Dear Baby Zook #2,
We don't know what gender you are yet but we are all thinking girl. Am I correct? I knew with your brother right away. I just knew Talon was a boy. Bonnie said Talon came with such a powerful force to create the family that he had to make his presence known. Boy he did! I had a little harder time reading the energy. Regardless of your gender, you're all mine. People ask, "Do you want a boy or girl?" I think this question is completely ridiculous and a little offensive. What does it matter? Those stories I hear of people being disappointed, or even crying, because the gender of their baby is not what they'd hoped! It's repulsive.
I saw Bonnie last week. Bonnie, our Reiki Master, who has helped us through some really tough times these past few years. She centered me, removed the blocks, the pain, the anger. She brought your dad and I even closer. She helped bring Talon into our lives to create the family. And she saw you there, waiting, ready. Ready for love.
Your story begins a long, long, long, LONG time ago. Bonnie says you are a very old soul. You are a storyteller and were in no hurry to come into physical form but you were just on a journey to find love. On that day, you heard me feel in my gut I was ready for another baby. You came to me, knowing you'd find love. The wonderful surprise you found beyond my love was how much love was in our family. You were already in my heart, you saw my heart had space for Jason, for Talon, and for you. Your presence is softer and gentler. You could be a girl or just a very sensitive boy.
I used to think, Getting pregnant was too easy this time, something could be wrong. Bonnie reassured me it's nothing like that at all. It's just my mental blocks are removed. It took your dad and me two years to get Talon. Getting pregnant with you was a matter of one time telling myself, and truly feeling, I'm ready. BAM! There you were!
I'm so excited to meet you. My due date is May 29, 2013. My birthday is May 22. I'm going to try and make sure you aren't born on the same day. I want for you to have your own day. Or maybe YOU want the same day? Well, if it's up to me, I'll give you your own day. But if you're going to make the decision, I certainly don't mind sharing our special days.
Love. You're here for the love.
