For the boys from their Mama

Dear Talon and Lincoln, loves of my life...

As much as we don't want to think of this ever happening, there could be a day when I'm not here. It could happen too soon so I'm writing to give you as much of myself as I can with mere words.

You are both dearly loved and wanted. Your dad and I waited years (yes, years) for you. Talon's book explains the journey and raw detail, which also includes a letter which is for you both. I was born Sarah Beth Vaughan but when I married your dad I became Sarah Vaughan Zook. My nickname growing up was Cheese, given to me by the neighbor boys and your aunt, Elisa. What can I say? It's true. I like cheese. A lot.

As much as I advocate for communication, it's still hard. Do it as much as you can though. I prefer cool weather to hot weather. I wear a lot of tank tops. I like muscles and untraditional things. When I met your dad, I felt more like a boy than a girl...whatever the fuck that means. I cuss a lot. Over time, I've come into my own but I still fight hard to sticking to my gut of what feels natural to me. Sometimes I can get caught up in shit around me and lose sight. I used to not enjoy going to the beach but now that I'm older, I do. I was never a fan of swim suits but the older I got the more comfortable in my body I became and don't mind. 

I love breakfast and sushi but not sushi for breakfast. I like most anything not mainstream then decide later. Remind your dad to show you picture of me with all colors of hair. Make him take you to Hawaii someday. I never went...yet.
You both got kissed pretty much every time I picked you up. I'd stare at you for a few seconds before I'd pull you into my chest and couldn't believe you're mine or how ridiculously cute you both are. I'd worry you won't know your cousins or grandparents very well. I think about what our next house will be and where it will be. I wonder what you'll want to go, where you'll go, who you'll be, and hope we're fiercely close no matter where on the map we are. I want to raise boys who are confident, passionate, full of love and ambition. Too many get raised that way because they aren't taught the differences in their own ego. I plan on teaching you to punch because everyone needs to know how to punch. I want to you never be afraid to dance because dancing fucking rocks and everyone loves a handsome man who can dance. Plus it'll make you feel good. Sing if you feel like it. Sing if you want to.

I can't stand too much *stuff* and dislike uncleanliness. It's cathartic to purge crap you're not using. I love shopping; Adidas shoes, dresses, tailored men's trousers, vests and shirts, makeup, baggy pants, tank tops. 

Your dad is intensely, insanely creative. Play. Dream. Create with him.

Don't trust someone too much who doesn't have some kind of grammar ability; writing and speaking. It speaks volumes.

Be authentic. This is a process that has captured more of my heart in the most empowering way since I started seeing Bonnie. People say be yourself so seriously, don't let those words become diluted for you. Be yourself. And if you're not sure who that is, spend the time to figure it out. Don't be in a relationship just to be in a relationship. Have your own identity and whomever you decide to love must respect all of you in that manner. Have a hobby and keep up on it. Have a passion outside of the person you're with because if they ever (god forbid) go away, you need to have kept your sense of self.

With all that said, respect the rules. Don't be a butthead. Know when to speak up and when to shut up. You'll thank me later. Open doors for old people. Old doors for women and children. Treat everyone how you would wish to be treated and if they don't treat you well, fuck 'em. Walk away and get away from that energy. You don't need it. Say thank you. Say please. You'll be amazed how far it'll get you. I didn't raise no dummies...you already know this! :)