More days are good than bad and I hate that I'm writing when it'd been a bad day. Your blog deserves happy thoughts. But, yesterday was one of the bad. We all woke up off, Talon was cranky, you were fussy, Talon refused to nap, by 4pm I was screaming into the middle of the living room thus scaring the shit out of Talon. I suck. After drying tears and patching the trauma Talon just witnessed, I texted your dad to come home after work as soon as he could then we all went for a walk.
It's interesting because this came during a week where I've been feeling seriously overloaded. I'm going to verbal vomit on here because there's no where else to dump it. Too many people, too much information bombarded about people whose drama I'm not even a part of, and the overall feeling of anger when you keep hearing how people call each other friends then talk so much shit behind each other's backs. Again, I'm not even involved in these groups. Why should I care? I'm mad these women are so horribly unsupportive and cruel to each other behind their backs yet shiny happy people to each other's face. Oh, the Facebook quotes they post! HA! I call bullshit.
I don't compete with my friends. In fact, I wouldn't be friends with people with whom I compete. If training for a sport takes over so much of your life and you can't speak nicely about your competitor even though you call her a friend, then WHY THE FUCK do you hang out with her? She's your competition! Nod your head in the weight room, acknowledge, and move on. The shit I've heard...it's unbelievable. I guess some people have not progressed past junior high school way of communicating. There's a mentality of only the people who also compete know what you're going through. I get that. In that case, just be nice to each other. Stop being passive-aggressive. Stop calling each other names. After she leaves the conversation when you've just told her how awesome she is, stop saying, "Oh she'll never be ready for the show, she's too big/soft/skinny/blhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaalhhhhhhhhhhhh." I literally just met someone a couple weeks ago who said she stays out of drama at the gym. I knew of her for a long time and knew it was complete crap coming out of her mouth. Strike 1 against me. It began to build...
You can be damn sure I'm going to confront someone if I've heard they have said something about me. Confrontation is intimidating but when it comes to sticking up for yourself, defending a friend, you bet your ass it's worth it. What's the worst that can happen? Afraid of losing a friend who never acted like a friend in the first place?
Tuesday I went to the gym just we always do. There was a playlist on my iPod called "FUCK" created specifically for these types of days. Pretty much all Eminem. I love him. I put on my headphones, kept my head down, said HI enough to not make anyone wonder. At the gym, I can't not be "off". I am an employee and there's no time to completely tune out. I know too many people and I'm always being watched as someone who works there. If I truly wanted to completely go off grid, I wouldn't go to the gym but I needed to lift heavy shit.
This week also made me seriously contemplate deleting my Facebook account. Not just deactivating, but deleting. The fact that it plays a significant role in staying connected with family photos and friends, I decided I needed to just back off it instead of deleting. *sigh*
I recognize different energies surging through me. I'm careful about what I say and to whom. I know that the energy I create is going to be the energy I get so it makes sense that this all happened this week. As soon as I started getting upset again about a problem I have with a manager, it welcomed the bad energy and I couldn't filter through it fast enough. I am intuitive enough to feel when I need to back off and when I need to walk away when conversations that are damaging to my energy arise. If it doesn't involve us, we just don't need it.
In other news, you ate a few more bites of banana this morning, sneezed, and then there was banana snot all over you. You smiled and that's the best parts of my day. Cheers to a new day.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
This shit is no joke.
Stay at home mom of two kids under two. This shit is no joke.
I'll say it again, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I think about the 40 pounds I will lose after having Lincoln. That's nothing compared to the day in and day out adventures of being a SAHM. One kid, two kids, it doesn't matter. It's the toughest gig ever. Super rad and super tough. I heard a guy on NPR saying, "If you're worried about being a good parent, you're not the one that needs to worry." Whew! :)
The gym: my saving grace. The place where I can be me. I get to yell at people in class and they move their butts. I tried yelling at my 2 year old. He stared blankly at me, didn't even do the thing I wanted him to do, then starting crying. Awesome. I. am. Awesome. However, there's still the possibility that my gym time gets shortened by a poopy diaper or someone in hysterics.
I love my kids. I love them so much I can cry. I torture myself with horrible things that could happen like losing them. I could entertain the idea of suicide if anything ever happened to them. I would die for them if it meant saving them.
But, I love help more. Jason gets to be away all day while I am with two needy tiny humans. He's not exactly having fun all the time either I guess.
Why do we guilt ourselves for needing help? Why do I feel guilty for counting the hours and minutes until Jason comes home? Why do I feel guilty for needing a break? We shouldn't. I met a friend who has no qualms of saying, "I love my kids but..." She openly, without hesitation, without fear of being judged (because she doesn't care) says, "I love my kids but..." That "but" is filled with "I need me time and I'm not willing to give it up." I remind myself that kids or no kids, everyone needs a break from whatever it is that's demanding their attention; work, school, socializing. I'm never "off". Talon naps but even then I'm just waiting until the construction outside wakes him up and he cries after 20 minutes of being in his crib. I never in my life felt I needed a drink. These days, I get it. A glass of wine at the end of the day is appreciated. It doesn't always happen but when it does, ahhhh.
Today was tough and more sad than mad. Last Friday was mad. I did the stereotypical husband-comes-home-wife-hands-husband-toddler-and-says-get-out. Talon was in the kitchen rummaging through drawers, whining, hanging on me, I'm trying to fix dinner. I let it out when Jason came home. My fuse was down to the nub. My hands in the air, I said loudly (not yelling), "I admit I have very little patience as a mother right now. Get him out of here!" Talon hears my loud voice, starts crying and reaches for me from Jason's arms. My heart tears a little but not enough to take him.
Two year olds have no reasoning and their cognitive development is just beginning. Explaining to him while he's screaming from hunger that we're on our way to lunch doesn't do shit. What can you do? Block it out, turn up the radio, ignore him, give him a piece of fruit in the meantime. He'll eventually calm down and everyone will be happier when those fucking noodles arrive on the table. There's a language barrier as well. Sign language only helps so much. Talon doesn't have all the words he needs yet to communicate. I'll take a sassy kid over a irrational toddler any time. At least we can converse!
At this point in our lives, I certainly do more watching Talon than playing with him. Lincoln is completely dependent on me and Talon isn't completely independent. One of the things people love to say is, "Been there done that." I want to tell them to shut the fuck up. I hate hearing that and I hate hearing others say it to others. It ends up desensitizing the experience for the person talking. It takes a stance of what they're saying isn't important and whatever they're talking about is so passé. You can empathize with someone without taking away THEIR experience even if it is the same troubles with which every parent deals.
Well, it's 3:26pm. Lincoln just fell sounding asleep and now Talon is awake crying to get out of his crib. I got almost enough time to write this entire blog post. The wine is getting corked tonight!
I'll say it again, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I think about the 40 pounds I will lose after having Lincoln. That's nothing compared to the day in and day out adventures of being a SAHM. One kid, two kids, it doesn't matter. It's the toughest gig ever. Super rad and super tough. I heard a guy on NPR saying, "If you're worried about being a good parent, you're not the one that needs to worry." Whew! :)
The gym: my saving grace. The place where I can be me. I get to yell at people in class and they move their butts. I tried yelling at my 2 year old. He stared blankly at me, didn't even do the thing I wanted him to do, then starting crying. Awesome. I. am. Awesome. However, there's still the possibility that my gym time gets shortened by a poopy diaper or someone in hysterics.
I love my kids. I love them so much I can cry. I torture myself with horrible things that could happen like losing them. I could entertain the idea of suicide if anything ever happened to them. I would die for them if it meant saving them.
But, I love help more. Jason gets to be away all day while I am with two needy tiny humans. He's not exactly having fun all the time either I guess.
Why do we guilt ourselves for needing help? Why do I feel guilty for counting the hours and minutes until Jason comes home? Why do I feel guilty for needing a break? We shouldn't. I met a friend who has no qualms of saying, "I love my kids but..." She openly, without hesitation, without fear of being judged (because she doesn't care) says, "I love my kids but..." That "but" is filled with "I need me time and I'm not willing to give it up." I remind myself that kids or no kids, everyone needs a break from whatever it is that's demanding their attention; work, school, socializing. I'm never "off". Talon naps but even then I'm just waiting until the construction outside wakes him up and he cries after 20 minutes of being in his crib. I never in my life felt I needed a drink. These days, I get it. A glass of wine at the end of the day is appreciated. It doesn't always happen but when it does, ahhhh.
Today was tough and more sad than mad. Last Friday was mad. I did the stereotypical husband-comes-home-wife-hands-husband-toddler-and-says-get-out. Talon was in the kitchen rummaging through drawers, whining, hanging on me, I'm trying to fix dinner. I let it out when Jason came home. My fuse was down to the nub. My hands in the air, I said loudly (not yelling), "I admit I have very little patience as a mother right now. Get him out of here!" Talon hears my loud voice, starts crying and reaches for me from Jason's arms. My heart tears a little but not enough to take him.
Two year olds have no reasoning and their cognitive development is just beginning. Explaining to him while he's screaming from hunger that we're on our way to lunch doesn't do shit. What can you do? Block it out, turn up the radio, ignore him, give him a piece of fruit in the meantime. He'll eventually calm down and everyone will be happier when those fucking noodles arrive on the table. There's a language barrier as well. Sign language only helps so much. Talon doesn't have all the words he needs yet to communicate. I'll take a sassy kid over a irrational toddler any time. At least we can converse!
At this point in our lives, I certainly do more watching Talon than playing with him. Lincoln is completely dependent on me and Talon isn't completely independent. One of the things people love to say is, "Been there done that." I want to tell them to shut the fuck up. I hate hearing that and I hate hearing others say it to others. It ends up desensitizing the experience for the person talking. It takes a stance of what they're saying isn't important and whatever they're talking about is so passé. You can empathize with someone without taking away THEIR experience even if it is the same troubles with which every parent deals.
Well, it's 3:26pm. Lincoln just fell sounding asleep and now Talon is awake crying to get out of his crib. I got almost enough time to write this entire blog post. The wine is getting corked tonight!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
You're fucking perfect.
You are fucking perfect. You both are. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Two babies, 22 months apart, whoa. If one of you is sleeping, seems the other isn't. Jason goes back to work tomorrow. I was short with you and Talon today. I realized it is because I don't have gym time until August 23rd when you turn 3 months old. I'm worried that Talon will not want to go into the child center and it'll be rough on everyone.
You've been having some tough days lately. A little out of sorts. Swaddle pisses you off. Being free pisses you off. Being on your back really pisses you off. Just a rough patch, I hope.
You're so stinking cute. You had your first giggle fest around 7 weeks. I was laughing with you and crying because it was so beautiful at the same time.
You've been having some tough days lately. A little out of sorts. Swaddle pisses you off. Being free pisses you off. Being on your back really pisses you off. Just a rough patch, I hope.
You're so stinking cute. You had your first giggle fest around 7 weeks. I was laughing with you and crying because it was so beautiful at the same time.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Now there's 3...soon there will be 4....
I'm in the officially insanely fucked up phase of pregnancy. The biggest craptastic factor is sleeping sucks:
I'm ready to have you. I'm so ready to hold you. I'm trying to not confuse my absolute fatigue with anxiety. I'm such a busy person normally that this sitting home thing sucks. On the flip side, it's all I have the energy for with Talon. At this point with Talon, we were waiting and hoping for some sign of labor at any minute. Little did we know he would not come on his own and at 41 weeks and 2 days was still sitting comfortably inside. I'm sure you are too, Darling, but at least we have an eviction date! 39 weeks and 1 day. I anticipate you being a little smaller than Talon because you're going to get taken earlier. Oh but what does it matter?? I'm so excited for you to be here. I'm so excited to be back in the baby bubble and absorbing the moments with greater depth.
One of the best pieces of advice I got this entire pregnancy was from Bonnie (imagine that!). I was expressing some frustration in a session and she explained I was trying to be too logical and that I'm living in a very sacrificial space right now. All of my energy is going to you, Talon, or Dads. She said she could see my energy flow and none of it, or very little of it, was getting to me. She said I can and do recharge a great deal when Dads is just here and around. It gives me a chance to "turn off" which I liked and agreed with. I can feel a difference when he's just here. Being rational, she said, isn't a priority. You can totally ask for him to just BE here. Crazy true.
T minus 9 days, Little One....I love you!
- I get up every 2 hours to pee (not joking).
- My hips hurt despite having a huge fluffy body pillow.
- I can only sleep two ways; on my left side or on my right side.
- I have substantially uncomfortable Braxton Hicks contractions throughout the entire night.
- I wake up tired.
- Sometimes I can't even get back to sleep after I pee and I start thinking about what I should make for dinner that night or what I should eat for breakfast because food really isn't all that exciting anymore...
I'm ready to have you. I'm so ready to hold you. I'm trying to not confuse my absolute fatigue with anxiety. I'm such a busy person normally that this sitting home thing sucks. On the flip side, it's all I have the energy for with Talon. At this point with Talon, we were waiting and hoping for some sign of labor at any minute. Little did we know he would not come on his own and at 41 weeks and 2 days was still sitting comfortably inside. I'm sure you are too, Darling, but at least we have an eviction date! 39 weeks and 1 day. I anticipate you being a little smaller than Talon because you're going to get taken earlier. Oh but what does it matter?? I'm so excited for you to be here. I'm so excited to be back in the baby bubble and absorbing the moments with greater depth.
One of the best pieces of advice I got this entire pregnancy was from Bonnie (imagine that!). I was expressing some frustration in a session and she explained I was trying to be too logical and that I'm living in a very sacrificial space right now. All of my energy is going to you, Talon, or Dads. She said she could see my energy flow and none of it, or very little of it, was getting to me. She said I can and do recharge a great deal when Dads is just here and around. It gives me a chance to "turn off" which I liked and agreed with. I can feel a difference when he's just here. Being rational, she said, isn't a priority. You can totally ask for him to just BE here. Crazy true.
T minus 9 days, Little One....I love you!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
I just have to laugh.
What else can I do really? I'm 34 weeks pregnant, I am taking care of a 20 month old, I have a sinus head cold, my back hurts, it's fucking snowing AGAIN, and Talon pooped in the bath tub yesterday. He pulled two giant bath towels in the tub with him after I didn't respond to his immediate calls of an overboard toy and then this morning he stuck toilet paper in the toilet before putting it in his mouth (I screamed!). He's not a baby anymore. He's a toddler with a powerful mind of his own.
L-bag, your brother T-nuts is hilarious. And a hand full. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sure you will be too! Between the two of you, you rock my world.
During T's nap yesterday, I did get to spend some time alone with you! I was laying on my right side when I felt some tickling under my left side. Then it got higher and more under my ribcage. It must have been your little leg stretching with some wiggling toes on a little foot. Are you running out of room? You are the size of a butternut squash this week! (Better than a durian. Ew.)
We're getting SO close! Closer than we thought!
L-bag, your brother T-nuts is hilarious. And a hand full. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm sure you will be too! Between the two of you, you rock my world.
During T's nap yesterday, I did get to spend some time alone with you! I was laying on my right side when I felt some tickling under my left side. Then it got higher and more under my ribcage. It must have been your little leg stretching with some wiggling toes on a little foot. Are you running out of room? You are the size of a butternut squash this week! (Better than a durian. Ew.)
We're getting SO close! Closer than we thought!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Please stop crying, Talon!
Every mother's stomach churns when she hears her baby cry. Lately Talon has been crying and whining and there seems to be no cure. Not hungry, not poopy. Tired? Perhaps. Bored? Maybe. I redirect him and he clings to me. I get him down for naps. He goes to bed at a decent hour. Sometimes. I. Just. Want. A. Break. No whining, especially no whining. I can't stand to hear it because I don't want him to be upset but there are moments when it sounds like nails on a chalkboard and I want the sound to go away. Talon was crying in his crib one afternoon, refusing to nap. I had put him down and he seemed ready. Not 8 minutes later, he's up wailing. I debated; do I go in there or do I leave him to work it out? I decided leaving him in there wasn't going to hurt him (especially a 20 month old) and would probably be better for me at the moment. I wasn't mad at him but my emotions were heightened. I knew if he didn't sleep he'd be a wreck later. A parenting moment of I know what's best for you: sleep. Now go the fuck to sleep. The only solution that made me feel better was turning up some music loud enough to drown out his cries, just for 5 minutes, then I went in to get him. The impact it makes on my insides seems to be exacerbated by pregnancy. Would I have this hard of a time if I wasn't full of hormones? Deal the best with it as I can whatever it may be. It's not going to get any easier. I'm not asking for a bailout. Two kiddos doubles the trouble. I'm grateful for both of you but I think I'll like it better when I have my brain and body back. Cheers, Darling. Mommy loves you dearly.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Stopped by Braxton Hicks
Tomorrow is your baby shower, Honeeeey! I am so excited to see our friends! Dena and Mel have organized it. Sounds like it'll be a blast!
Past couple days I have been feeling unusual. I am/was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions since Thursday night, maybe earlier than that I can't remember. By Friday night, it hadn't gotten any worse but I had visions of having a baby on the couch. (Yikes! I think I lingered in worry for a moment too long.) This morning, we went to breakfast then came home and I did a couple loads of laundry which translates really into I threw some things in the washer. You're moving around a lot which is great to feel. I'm so glad you're active! I think we'll be fine until your C-section day; I just have to rest when I feel the need. I am grateful to my instructor friends at Life Time Fitness who stepped in to teach some classes I was supposed to teach this morning.
Being pregnant with your brother was different. I got to sleep whenever I wanted/needed, no busy body to run after, pick up, lift, wrangle with into a car seat. I was still training full-time which meant on my feet for longer hours in the day. This time is different. I can't rest as much as I would have before. On the positive side, I've been feeling good enough to keep teaching fitness classes. By 32 weeks with Talon, I was so done teaching. I was retaining so much fluid that my ankles had pitting edema and too much pressure was being put on the bones. It hurt to walk sometimes. They say every pregnancy is different. So true! I don't have the linea nigera this time, no pitting edema, and not as much weight gain. At this point, I've gained 26 pounds. I have 6 weeks to go so it's inevitable you'll be getting pumper which is fantastic! Grow, Baby, grow! I gained pretty much 50lbs with Talon. Soooo puffy! I'm thinking I'll keep it to under 35lbs this time.
Your bed is ready. I've rented the hospital grade pump. Your clothes are unpacked and your swaddling blankets are clean.
We can't wait to meet you Darling!!!
Past couple days I have been feeling unusual. I am/was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions since Thursday night, maybe earlier than that I can't remember. By Friday night, it hadn't gotten any worse but I had visions of having a baby on the couch. (Yikes! I think I lingered in worry for a moment too long.) This morning, we went to breakfast then came home and I did a couple loads of laundry which translates really into I threw some things in the washer. You're moving around a lot which is great to feel. I'm so glad you're active! I think we'll be fine until your C-section day; I just have to rest when I feel the need. I am grateful to my instructor friends at Life Time Fitness who stepped in to teach some classes I was supposed to teach this morning.
Being pregnant with your brother was different. I got to sleep whenever I wanted/needed, no busy body to run after, pick up, lift, wrangle with into a car seat. I was still training full-time which meant on my feet for longer hours in the day. This time is different. I can't rest as much as I would have before. On the positive side, I've been feeling good enough to keep teaching fitness classes. By 32 weeks with Talon, I was so done teaching. I was retaining so much fluid that my ankles had pitting edema and too much pressure was being put on the bones. It hurt to walk sometimes. They say every pregnancy is different. So true! I don't have the linea nigera this time, no pitting edema, and not as much weight gain. At this point, I've gained 26 pounds. I have 6 weeks to go so it's inevitable you'll be getting pumper which is fantastic! Grow, Baby, grow! I gained pretty much 50lbs with Talon. Soooo puffy! I'm thinking I'll keep it to under 35lbs this time.
Your bed is ready. I've rented the hospital grade pump. Your clothes are unpacked and your swaddling blankets are clean.
We can't wait to meet you Darling!!!
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