Blog vs. Email and Christmas Eve

The last blog post I made was in May...Lincoln's 1st birthday. Sometime while becoming enraptured in the tornado of a website called Pinterest I read about this brilliant idea to create emails for each of the kids, write you every so often, then give you the passwords when you're 18. Part of me wonders if we'll even still have email when you're 18 but most importantly, where ever I write you, I want you to get to see it. Since then, I've been sending you emails to talonzook@gmail.com and lincolnzook2013@gmail.com After this entry, I'll turn this into a book just like Talon's blog then create a new blog for happenings from there on out. Talon's blog from create from pre-conception to his 1st birthday.

It's Christmas time. Today is Christmas Eve. I've spent the past few days grocery shopping, running errands, cooking, baking, cleaning up, doing laundry, changing sheets, putting clothes away, wrapping presents and dropping off our turkey to a friend to smoke. You guys and your dad have been playing with Legos. ALL day. It's nice because you satellite him, parallel playing a bit then interacting with him as well. He's teaching you, Talon, how to build which is fabulous from a developmental standpoint. Legos work on hand-eye coordination, imagination and foresight. It's a pastime that will carry on for generations as long as Legos are around. Being home around you guys I wish there was something like that I could do with you but I end up taking care of everything else that comes along with preparing for Christmas. I *may* have been drinking Coke and amaretto while writing this post...*maybe*..um, yes.

I feel like I'm getting a writing voice back. For a while since becoming a mom, we (mothers) tend to lose sight of who we were for a while. You are in charge of taking care of a tiny human that depends on you for everything. Needless to say, it can be exhausting. Becoming a mother rearranges your molecules. You're just never the same but in every possibly good way. It only becomes bad when you forget or push aside who you were (assuming you liked that person pre-babies) and completely immerse yourself into only being a mother. You're so-and-so's mom. That's it. No other introduction. Booooor-ing.

I do my best to keep up with the changes. I am a good mom. That's a tough sentence to write. It shouldn't be but it is. As Amy Poehler says, sometimes my demon creeps up and tells me toxic things. Things I should do differently, things I should say differently, things I'm not handling very well. I love you both to "infinity and beyond" which is something I've started to say to you often. Talon is even saying back to me which is breathtaking. As NPR says, if you're wondering if you're a good parent, you probably have nothing to worry about. Whew.

Talon, you are fiercely independent yet so yearning for our attention. Who DOESN'T like attention?! We're all human and we all need it. You are dynamic and loud and observant all at the same time. You are compliant at school and see no need (as the teachers say) to follow anyone's lead but your own. You have tenacity and determination. Your attention span during Lego time is impressive. On the flip side, if you don't want to do something, that's it. No manhandling or questions about it. Whoever is trying to reason with you is just going to have to wait until you're able to breathe again. You are so much like me especially as a little kid. I want you to be you but I see similarities in us. It's a given; you're part Vaughan. You're 3; you want a voice but you want help. You say you can't do it then we insist and you're so proud. You scream and stomp your feet and run when you don't get what you want. We let you work it out while you process. Last night, Lincoln got a Rescue Bots Boulder triceratops. You got some Duplos. You decided Lincoln's toy was better and desperately wanted it. First time Lincoln wouldn't share (and we didn't force him) and you could stop talking about it. It was a big moment for you. And for us! It was hard to watch you get so upset but we knew it was a necessary moment in your journey to greater patience. Everyone made it with all fingers and toes and dignity in tact.

Lincoln, you at 19 months right, we're still getting to know you. You are mostly sharing with Talon when he takes/asks for toys from you but sometimes you use that voice to growl and those little sculpted arms to hit. Your vocabulary is quite limited right now but you can sign "more" "milk" "no" "yes". You can say, "Mama" "me" "read" "get down" "hi" "bye". Little as you are, you are just as fierce as your brother. I realize I often sometimes want to step in a lot to help you because I am also the 2nd child in a family. I don't want you to get bulldozed or bullied just because you're the youngest or the smallest right now. But, you're impressive. You use your growling and body to express how angry you are though that will change as you add words to your vocabulary. I admit part of my worry as a mother comes when the two of you are duking it out. You're squealing, Talon is yelling and I am trying to make it fair. Truth is, I need to let you guys duke it out a little longer sometimes. There will be a time when you're just as big and just as verbal as Talon. You'll be able to handle your own quite well. In the meantime, I'll continue to step in in the appropriate times to help you guys learn skills to mediate conflict by yourselves.

Jason and I are sure we're done having kids. We're done with sleepless nights and automatic pilot mode you end up turning on at some point when you have babies. Also known as survival mode. You're enjoying it but also just trying to get to the point when the kids are a little more independent. I like my time but I also love being with you. I think about you when I'm away from you. As for going back to work, teaching fitness is a passion of mine but also works perfectly with our schedule. I teach 4 classes a week in the morning and 1 at night when Dad is home to watch you. I also do some small group personal training. For me, going back to work full-time didn't make financial sense. As a personal trainer, I didn't make enough to justify spending $1800 a month in full-time child care. $1800 a month was sometimes my entire monthly salary. Why would we break even to keep you guys in daycare?! We're in debt, yes. We'll figure it out. I get to stay home with you, make some part-time money to  supplement our income. I think at this point we're both starting to emerge from automatic pilot (not totally...it'll be a LONG time before we're totally out). One thing Jason and I could do better is spend time alone together. We go out (with friends) but we end up splitting up. You are being watched by one parent while the other one goes out.

Most importantly, you are loved. You are SO MUCH loved. We'll never leave you. We're always here for you in one capacity or another. I love you to infinity and beyond!!